Friday, January 24, 2014

Thank You For Being a Friend.

I have some pretty severe abandonment issues because of somethings that happened when I was a little kid. Because of this I am very selective about the people I let into my bubble. There are very few people who I am comfortable enough with to let them get close to me. 
If you are one of these people, you should treasure it, because it is the greatest gift I can give.

Friday, January 17, 2014

More on my Family

This past Tuesday night 1/14/2014, I got a text from my younger brother. He was letting me know that one of my cousins had been found dead. At the time, the best guess was heart attack, and given my family's track record with that I would guess that would be right. "Daddy will be getting the details together." the text went on to say.

That was Tuesday. Today is Friday, 1/17/2014. I haven't heard anything from my family about arrangements. Up in the country where I am from, they don't wait around long to put a body in the ground. I should have heard something by now.

You see, while I am not "officially" out to most of my family, its rather obvious that I am gay since I am 43 and have never been married. This past summer, I told the two members of my family who know I am gay that I was getting married on 6/29/2013. My younger brother never replied and all my older sister said was "ok". Given the cool response I was getting from my "supportive" family members, I decided it was past time to continue contact with a relationship that was only going to get more acrimonious over time. Other than answering a direct question when necessary, I have cut off all contact with my family. When they call, they go to voicemail. When they text, unless they are asking a direct question, I don't answer. When they want to know if I will be home so they can visit (This is a new situation. In the 9 years I have lived with my boyfriend/fiance/husband, my parents have never tried to visit) I will not be home. My last contact with my family, my stepmother called and left a voicemail to let me know that they were coming to the city for a doctor's appointment and she wanted to know if I would be home so they could drop off my Christmas presents. Yes, when I cut off contact, I didn't go visit for Christmas either. Honestly, not making that hour drive to visit was a relief.

Now, it seems as if they have moved from the confused stage to the angry stage. My cousin died Tuesday and they still haven't called to give me arrangements. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Depression sucks

Depression is a lying liar that lies. Right now I am having a really bad day. The feeling of helplessness and the soul-sucking despair that fills you up at random times is what makes it so bad. You can be having a good day and BAM out of no where, the feeling that nothing you do will be right hits you over the head and makes you feel like the most worthless piece of dirt in the universe. The feeling out of nowhere that you are so sad and start  crying for no reason at all. That feeling out of nowhere that makes you want to hide under your desk, or just lay down on the couch and not move.
Social media is such a good/bad thing for people with depression. On the one hand you have the ass-hats and trolls that get tiny boners by tearing down people with their fear-filled hate. On the other hand, it offers people suffering from depression an opportunity to ask for help, for support, for someone to say it gets better. Because it does get better.
i’ve opened the curtains and let some sunlight in and I am starting to feel a little better. 
Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

To Write About Rights or Rites.

Here is the thing about marriage. Marriage is a civil institution that has roots in religious ceremony. It is a right, that used to be a rite. So many people who write about rights miss the wrong they do due with their focus on rites.  
People who worry so much about the rights of corporations (corporations are not people, my friend, no matter what they say) are more focused on denying me my rites. A lot of their discussion revolves around what they call the traditional rite. They don’t really mean the traditional rite, because they actually oppose that too. They never actually define which traditional rite is the right one, they just tell me that the rite that I want is the wrong rite. What they mean is my rights can’t be equal because their religion says I can’t have their rite.
I am fine with eschewing their rite in my pursuit of the right to have a rite. I am perfectly comfortable with separating the rite of their faith from my civil right to have a rite. I do not need my rite bathed in the loving glow of their faith for my rite to be equal and valid. I am not seeking to disrupt the way they perform their rite. I respect their right to rites. I just wish they would respect mine.