Friday, April 29, 2016

Overheard at the Tibbie Kuts and Kurls

Beauty shop talk is sometimes the best.
“You know what I would like to see???”, said Lou Ann Webb as she  was getting her weekly wash and set.
They keep talkin about how Robert Bentley has done all these nasty things with that loose woman. Bless her heart, sleepin around on her husband. 
“Well. It couldn’t have been too nasty”, says hairstylist Eunice Hubbard. “They played that  whole darned tape on  the TV news and didn’t beep it once.”
“I KNOW,” squeals Lou Ann. “Not one bleep. But anyways. You know how the governor keeps sayin he ain’t done nuthin wrong? It sounds supiciously to me like them ol Richard Nixon recordings.” 
Lou Ann holds up two fingers and grumbles “I am not a crook” in her best Nixon impression. Given her pack a day habit it is surprisingly accurate.
“Well, they need to make a buddy movie. One of them comedies like they used to make before movies all started goin to Transflamers and Comic Book People and all that. Do a good ol fashioned comedy. They could call it “Fun with Dick and Bob”. It would be about how the ghost of Dick Nixon comes to Governor Bob Bentley and tries to advise him out of this mess. But it only leads from one oops to t’other.”
Eunice looks up from the curlers she is putting in Lou Ann’s freshly bluerinsed hair. “It would make tens, maybe hundreds of  dollars.”

Monday, April 25, 2016

Run over i n the parking lot

Run over in the parking lot,
A nightmare’s dream.
Cryin on the outside.
Inside I want to scream.

Rain clouds rollin in,
My brain on overload.
Crying on the outside.
Inside I want to scream.

Whattayah, whattayah, whattayah
Gonna do?

Grit my teeth and power through,
Life is a powder keg.
Sometimes you just explode.

MAG 04/2/2016 Mobile, Alabama

Monday, November 9, 2015

A short note to my younger self

I need to tell you about something. Something no one warns you about. The health books are quiet about it.

At a certain point in your life you are going to start growing hair in unexpected places. I'm not talking about the crotch and pit hairs that come in when your body hits puberty. I'm talking about OTHER HAIRS.

It usually starts in the eyebrow area. You'll get one eyebrow hair that has this explosive growth spurt. As years go by, you'll get another. Then another. Until finally, unless you are grooming them you will be all eyebrow.

Then there will be the nose hairs. One day you are shaving and you notice a little spider leg peeking out. The next thing you know you have a forest attached to your mustache.

Then... the ear hairs. No one understands them. They just start to appear. You only notice them when your hair stylist comments on them as she buzzes them out of your ear canal.

I don't think science has explained this explosive hair growth, but it should.

I just wanted to warn you, younger me, that old man hair will be a thing. Enjoy the rest of your life.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I've been working on a photo project.




I've been working on a project.

I like to take pictures. I like being a tourist. I like to photograph things from odd angles.

I had a heart attack.

One of the things that you have to do when you have had a heart attack is get more exercise. Since I don't like to run, can't swim, hate gyms, that pretty much leaves walking as my most viable alternative to getting my heart rate up so my cardiologist will leave me alone.

So. I decided to start a photo project. I call it Tourist at Home.

The idea is pretty simple. Pick a street, find a place to park, walk about 2 miles and take pictures as I go.

When I get home, I download the pictures and post them on my Tumblr Photoblog http://mggardnerphotos.tumblr.com/

Here is a preview of some of the things I have posted. If you want to see more, please visit my Tumblr.




Tuesday, November 3, 2015

My life is a lie



Today I was doing a check of Face Page. It's not something I do very regularly. I am not a fan of face page. But that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is my whole life is a lie. As I was scrolling down what face page calls a news feed, it told me that one of my friends had commented on a post somewhere about goulash. The accompanying picture to the post was what looked to me like chili mac. That delicious comfort food combination of chili and macaroni. My stomach grumbles now thinking about it. 

I got ready to write a whole long article on here about how crazy people on face page are. Don't they know chili mac when they see it. I googled the wiki article on goulash to verify my info before I started to rant when I noticed a link next to the disambiguation pages. American Goulash it said.

With a cold chill in my heart I clicked that link. The article redirected, my world shattered. Everything I knew was a lie. There is no Dana Chili Mac only Zuul American Goulash. The wiki article describes American Goulash as "an American comfort food similar to American chop suey."

I'm not entirely sure how chop suey figures into this. I am scared to click that link now. My world has been shattered enough for one day. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Writers write



Writers write. That's the story. Writers write and those who don't write... read? watch tv? I think about writing a lot. I've often thought about writing THE NEXT BIG NOVEL. I'll get plot ideas and character arcs and story lines. Sometimes I even write these down. But when I sit down to write the story I get nothing. No snappy dialog. No in-depth exposition. No spine tingling intrigue.

I am very good at writing like I am now. I also think I am pretty good at writing recipes. Recipes are just instructions with lists. Those are pretty darned easy. Get this stuff, measure out this much... kind of like being a potions instructor at Hogwarts. Only without the whole Voldemort thing. Can you imagine a Verse where the Ministry of Magic is replaced by Food Network??? Guy Fieri as Defense Against the Dark Arts Instructor. Alton Brown as Dumbledore. Who would be Voldie in this scenario???

But I digress. Writers write. Bloggers blog. Debaters debate. Politicians politic. We do what we are good at. I guess my favorite part of the writing process is research. When I get an idea I will dig into it. Well... dig into it as much as an internet connection and a wikipedia article or two will let me. I'll compile the research. But writing. I'll leave that for the writers.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Throw Together Coconut Soup

So, yesterday the husband started to get the beginnings of a bad cold. We had eaten at this great little Thai place near us and had discovered the wondrous joy that is coconut soup. When he starts to get a cold, the husband craves soup. Usually we go for the hot and sour variety from our local takeout joint, but with the memory of coconut soup in his brain, we had to try and make some for ourselves.
I did a quick interweb search to find ingredients that we would need to get close to the flavor profile of the soup we had at the Thai place and found out that basic coconut soup is really easy.


Ingredients:
1 Tbs vegetable oil
¼ tsp ground ginger
¼ tsp lemon juice
1 tsp red curry paste
2 cups chicken broth
4 ½ tsp fish sauce
1 ½ tsp brown sugar
2 cans coconut milk
1 TBS lime juice
1 4.5 oz jar mushrooms
salt if you think you need it


How to cook it.
Once you have all the ingredients, you’re basically just heating everything up.


In a 3 quart pot, saute the powdered ginger and the curry paste in about 1 TBS of oil until fragrant.
Add everything else, stirring constantly.
Bring to a simmer. Simmer for about 10 minutes until heated through.
Give it a taste and add salt if you think you need it. (the fish sauce is already salty so it depends on your taste.)
Once it’s warm, put it in a bowl and eat it.